French is a Numbers Game

            I am writing from Geneva, a graceful French-speaking city in Switzerland. But I have a beef with the French language. What is it with these weird numbers? First of all, every number of any worth ends with either a sharp, explosive consonant or a long drawn-out zzzz sound. The other part, the part that actually tells you what the package of cheese costs, is mumbled, as if it is somehow shameful for French-speakers to tell you what you owe.

            And then there is the nature of the French counting system itself. What kind of crazy person thought up a way to say "94" that translates into English as "Four twenties (and) fourteen"? If your groceries cost you "84.98," then in French, one would say: "Quatre-vingt-quatre quatre vingt dix-huit." I guess. Did I mention that those letters, even when not mumbled, don't actually get sounded out? They are mere representations of some very different sounds indeed.

This unknown Frenchman may possibly have 

invented the French numbering system 

            Now, it is true that I have studied French haphazardly and intermittently, but I have studied it a good bit, all in all. In the end, I can read much better than I can speak or "hear."  But this week in Geneva has made me think I should have gone about the whole thing differently, at least when it comes to speaking. Instead of learning how to say "Excuse me, Madame, but I have lost my Raccoon" or "Allow me the honor of lighting your cigarette,"* I should have just practiced saying and listening to recordings of French numbers over and over. That would have taken quite a while, since the average French number takes something over 4 seconds to pronounce. But still...

            Anyway--Listen. We are living in the twenty-first century. Communication across the globe is instantaneous, except when a French-speaking person says the number 92.96. I know it is always dopey to say "Why do they say it like that?" And I know that the answer to this question is "They just do!"

            But humor me, if you will,  and envision a beautiful day in Geneva (or Tours or Nantes). A single person, a rebel at heart perhaps, begins to say the number "Cinq cent quatre-vingt-seize," but this one French-speaker stops. And thinks. And suddenly comes out with "596"!

Cue in the angelic choir chord!

Elated French people, but from a different

day of Liberation

It is like when the Grinch figures out that the Whos are all happy anyway. First this one rebel, then another, then a nonconformist, and finally all your average copycats.  Gone are the days of eight syllable numbers!  The Francophone world liberates itself!

And when this happens, if you run the numbers, you will find that every last French speaker in the world will have exactly 15.9 extra minutes every single day!

I wonder how you say that in French?

* Well, maybe I should have sprung for a more up-to-date text instead of using those second- and third-hand French language books.